Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oh man the emotions and birth story :)

Let's see if I can even get through this post since I can't seem to see a thing through the tears.  Happy tears of course and tears I have no clue what they are about.

My ip's came last Monday and got all settled and then we met them for dinner on Tuesday night.  It's so crazy how I haven't even seen them since June of last year and yet I felt like they were family.  No pause in talking, no uncomfortable tension.  My kids fell in love with them.  Especially Corbin and IM.

Wednesday morning I arrived at the hospital at 7am for the amio.  And that was an experience of a lifetime in  it's self.

My ip's were there with me, which I felt bad for them because the doctor tried the amio three different times and no luck getting any fluid.  She found one good pocket of fluid but because of the angle couldn't get a thing out of it.  So they kept me for most of the day to watch me because I was contracting and went from a 4-5cm and were going to re-try the amio later.  But later came and they did an ultrasound and the little stinker moved up so that the only pocket they could access was no longer available.

Late that day they went ahead and sent me home in a lovely snow storm, but said they figured I would be back that night or next day because of how much I was contracting.  I just wasn't making any process.

Fast forward to that night, tons of painful contractions that kept me up most of the night.  So I called the doctor in the morning and told her about all of it and she told me to come in and be checked (we all had hopes that I was a 6 because then they would admit me).

Ip's met us at the clinic and my ob did a pitty check as dh calls it and called me a 6.  So off to Labor and Delivery we headed.  I got there and they started the antibiotics since I was groupb strep +.  That was about 12:30.  In the mean time we walked the halls, laughed and just sat around.  As Dee and Nan laughed at me sitting on a ball, telling me to bounce her out.

This is one of me and my talented friend and photographer Dee.  This was after delivery but I'll put it here.  
(soon I'll add ones of my hubby and Nan)

At 2:30 they started the pitocin pit and slowly bumped it up. At 4:45 my ob came over and did a check at which I was still a 5-6, and said she would break my water and then my epidural was on it's way.

Now I will admit I am stubborn as hell, but really before the breaking of my water my contractions were just slightly uncomfortable..  I didn't want to endure the pain of an epidural until I couldn't handle it anymore.
But that was mistake #1.

Breaking my bag of water was a whole other unforeseen pain, I wish I didn't have to endure without an epi.  The doctor said her bag of water was so hard to break and it took what felt like forever the first attempt.  Finally they got another needle like tool to break it.  And that is where all this goes really fast.

They break the bag, the anesthesiologist came and and started the epi, poor man is all I can say.  I couldn't sit still for the life of me.  The contractions were fast and furious and freaking painful out of no where,  I would say the pain before was a 5 now there wasn't a number on the chart to rate it.  I was crying, screaming in pain.  And the epidural wasn't even working which freaked me out.  No way was I going to be able to do this without pain med's.

Well guess what.... Pain med's weren't an option.  After my epi they checked me just minutes after and I was a 7, seconds later ( and I mean she walked away from my bed, grabbed a new glove and said I think we need to check you again) and I was a 9, she was coming.

I had two nurses and my husband in my face telling me to breathe that I could do this.  I was yelling back I couldn't and why the heck weren't the drugs working.  To which my great anesthesiologist said your progressing too fast.

The nurse was trying frantically to call my doctor to get there, I was crying, they rushed IM in so she could put on her gown so when C was born she could do skin to skin with her.  And then seconds later had everyone else come in the room.    I glanced over at one point and saw IM crying and Nan with her arms around her and my heart broke.

Nan yelling from across the room "you have this", my husband trying so hard to comfort me and cheer me on.  Everyone else was freaking out.  I am sure my poor mother in law too, she has seen all my deliveries but not a single one like this.  Everything is pretty blurry though.  I know I had my legs crossed at one point because they said I couldn't push and I had to push.  And when it was time I didn't want to.

But my doctor got there and in one contraction Little Miss was born.  However, not without protest from me.

I can't even describe the pain and the emotions of those moments.  Other than complete fear I was so scared of pushing with no drugs and then right afterwards I felt horrible that I was so outside myself in pain and everyone in the room saw me that way.  Especially my Ip's.

After it was all over it was re enforced why I did this.  Seeing my IM in tears thanking me, and just the pure stillness of the room, everyone checking that sweet baby out.

 God's pure beauty in this little girl.
 I got to hold her again (1day old)
 Carmina gets to go home.
 Last belly picture taken the day of the amio.
37 weeks 4 days

 Thank you to Dee Lucas of Fall Child Photography for capturing the birth and allowing me to put these on the blog.
 Little Miss right after birth
 Nan getting to hold Carmina 1 day old

My first time holding Carmina

Now looking back as scared as I was of a natural birth.  God was protecting me.  I tend to let my mind run and think of stuff I shouldn't.  I bet I would of worried about everyone else in the room that day.  But he did a fast and furious one on me so I could concentrate on what was important.  Which was to get this little girl here.

Carmina was born February 21st at 5:21pm she was 7lbs and 19 inches long.

I've been so blessed to have such a support system by my side this entire time.  And her parent's have become like family to me.  I feel the love and thankfulness they have for me.  I know in my heart God wanted me to do this.  I have no doubt.  He prepared me and I was honored to do this.

I am pumping for C and the first few days were challenging.  But God again knew I could do this and handle it.  And now I look at it as a blessing and something I can do for that sweet baby.

I am lucky my Ip's keep in touch everyday and send me pictures and I've been able to see and hold her.  I am getting a little sad that our time is coming to an end.  I get to have dinner again tomorrow night.  And for that I am so thankful.
I am thankful my Ip's think of me often and send me her pictures.  Like this one above from this morning.  And are always thanking me for Little C.  But really it's all glory to God.  He allowed her to grow in my belly, even when I was scared.  He allowed me to be the one they picked to nurture her and love her in a unique way.

My Ip's had a room right across from me after delivery and I just let them be so they could bond.  But they let me know often the love they had for me.  Texting me telling me how different it was not being in the same room, texting me the next day asking if they could come over to my room and just hang out and spend time together.  And I got to hold her, I didn't even have to ask.

I will admit I was a little blindsided by the emotions that have seem to rear their ugly head.  Today I am weepy and sad.
Sad my journey is almost over....
Sad I won't get to see her often....
All those now what feelings......

Stuff I didn't think I'd feel......

Don't get me wrong I don't want the baby and I am so happy for them.  I accomplished the task God put before me.  I feel like a Good and Faithful servent.  But these dam hormones are making it hard not to feel loss.

I feel so full and yet so empty.  I don't even know if that makes sense.

Looking at these pictures I know what an amazing journey God put me on.  The lessons I learned while on bedrest.  He had a purpose for me in this one.  And I was stubborn and shook my head no a lot, stomped my feet and fought him.  Until he made me listen.

Often I found myself complaining about being so sick, about being on bedrest.  And now I miss it already.
It's been such an up and down incredible journey I cannot even begin to put into words that come close to what it felt like.