Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Goodbye.....

Today was a day I was dreading..... I knew it was coming the dreaded goodbye.

It was quick but non the less very painful.

I am a mess....

I am happy....


I am sad.  The reality my journey is now over.

Again I am not sad I don't have Baby C but I am sad my connection to her and to them is over.  They live so far away that we won't be able to see each other as we have the past 10 days.

They came over and Corbin and Zoey were mesmerized by Carmina.  And just sat with her laying on the floor touching her, and Corbin wanted her to laugh so bad.

My IM handed Carmina to me.  I felt the tears burning beaneth my eye lids but refused to show signs of struggling, that is until IM hugged me and started crying.  I told her she had to stop it, she was making me cry.
ID hugged me too and said they would keep in touch.

This is hard though, by far one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever had, other than losing Ethan. 

But this is a goodbye I chose I guess I didn't bond the whole pregnancy until she was born, and then the bonding with them and her began more than I expected.

I didn't even get a chance to snap a picture. 

I guess here's to the future of unknown!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oh man the emotions and birth story :)

Let's see if I can even get through this post since I can't seem to see a thing through the tears.  Happy tears of course and tears I have no clue what they are about.

My ip's came last Monday and got all settled and then we met them for dinner on Tuesday night.  It's so crazy how I haven't even seen them since June of last year and yet I felt like they were family.  No pause in talking, no uncomfortable tension.  My kids fell in love with them.  Especially Corbin and IM.

Wednesday morning I arrived at the hospital at 7am for the amio.  And that was an experience of a lifetime in  it's self.

My ip's were there with me, which I felt bad for them because the doctor tried the amio three different times and no luck getting any fluid.  She found one good pocket of fluid but because of the angle couldn't get a thing out of it.  So they kept me for most of the day to watch me because I was contracting and went from a 4-5cm and were going to re-try the amio later.  But later came and they did an ultrasound and the little stinker moved up so that the only pocket they could access was no longer available.

Late that day they went ahead and sent me home in a lovely snow storm, but said they figured I would be back that night or next day because of how much I was contracting.  I just wasn't making any process.

Fast forward to that night, tons of painful contractions that kept me up most of the night.  So I called the doctor in the morning and told her about all of it and she told me to come in and be checked (we all had hopes that I was a 6 because then they would admit me).

Ip's met us at the clinic and my ob did a pitty check as dh calls it and called me a 6.  So off to Labor and Delivery we headed.  I got there and they started the antibiotics since I was groupb strep +.  That was about 12:30.  In the mean time we walked the halls, laughed and just sat around.  As Dee and Nan laughed at me sitting on a ball, telling me to bounce her out.

This is one of me and my talented friend and photographer Dee.  This was after delivery but I'll put it here.  
(soon I'll add ones of my hubby and Nan)

At 2:30 they started the pitocin pit and slowly bumped it up. At 4:45 my ob came over and did a check at which I was still a 5-6, and said she would break my water and then my epidural was on it's way.

Now I will admit I am stubborn as hell, but really before the breaking of my water my contractions were just slightly uncomfortable..  I didn't want to endure the pain of an epidural until I couldn't handle it anymore.
But that was mistake #1.

Breaking my bag of water was a whole other unforeseen pain, I wish I didn't have to endure without an epi.  The doctor said her bag of water was so hard to break and it took what felt like forever the first attempt.  Finally they got another needle like tool to break it.  And that is where all this goes really fast.

They break the bag, the anesthesiologist came and and started the epi, poor man is all I can say.  I couldn't sit still for the life of me.  The contractions were fast and furious and freaking painful out of no where,  I would say the pain before was a 5 now there wasn't a number on the chart to rate it.  I was crying, screaming in pain.  And the epidural wasn't even working which freaked me out.  No way was I going to be able to do this without pain med's.

Well guess what.... Pain med's weren't an option.  After my epi they checked me just minutes after and I was a 7, seconds later ( and I mean she walked away from my bed, grabbed a new glove and said I think we need to check you again) and I was a 9, she was coming.

I had two nurses and my husband in my face telling me to breathe that I could do this.  I was yelling back I couldn't and why the heck weren't the drugs working.  To which my great anesthesiologist said your progressing too fast.

The nurse was trying frantically to call my doctor to get there, I was crying, they rushed IM in so she could put on her gown so when C was born she could do skin to skin with her.  And then seconds later had everyone else come in the room.    I glanced over at one point and saw IM crying and Nan with her arms around her and my heart broke.

Nan yelling from across the room "you have this", my husband trying so hard to comfort me and cheer me on.  Everyone else was freaking out.  I am sure my poor mother in law too, she has seen all my deliveries but not a single one like this.  Everything is pretty blurry though.  I know I had my legs crossed at one point because they said I couldn't push and I had to push.  And when it was time I didn't want to.

But my doctor got there and in one contraction Little Miss was born.  However, not without protest from me.

I can't even describe the pain and the emotions of those moments.  Other than complete fear I was so scared of pushing with no drugs and then right afterwards I felt horrible that I was so outside myself in pain and everyone in the room saw me that way.  Especially my Ip's.

After it was all over it was re enforced why I did this.  Seeing my IM in tears thanking me, and just the pure stillness of the room, everyone checking that sweet baby out.

 God's pure beauty in this little girl.
 I got to hold her again (1day old)
 Carmina gets to go home.
 Last belly picture taken the day of the amio.
37 weeks 4 days

 Thank you to Dee Lucas of Fall Child Photography for capturing the birth and allowing me to put these on the blog.
 Little Miss right after birth
 Nan getting to hold Carmina 1 day old

My first time holding Carmina

Now looking back as scared as I was of a natural birth.  God was protecting me.  I tend to let my mind run and think of stuff I shouldn't.  I bet I would of worried about everyone else in the room that day.  But he did a fast and furious one on me so I could concentrate on what was important.  Which was to get this little girl here.

Carmina was born February 21st at 5:21pm she was 7lbs and 19 inches long.

I've been so blessed to have such a support system by my side this entire time.  And her parent's have become like family to me.  I feel the love and thankfulness they have for me.  I know in my heart God wanted me to do this.  I have no doubt.  He prepared me and I was honored to do this.

I am pumping for C and the first few days were challenging.  But God again knew I could do this and handle it.  And now I look at it as a blessing and something I can do for that sweet baby.

I am lucky my Ip's keep in touch everyday and send me pictures and I've been able to see and hold her.  I am getting a little sad that our time is coming to an end.  I get to have dinner again tomorrow night.  And for that I am so thankful.
I am thankful my Ip's think of me often and send me her pictures.  Like this one above from this morning.  And are always thanking me for Little C.  But really it's all glory to God.  He allowed her to grow in my belly, even when I was scared.  He allowed me to be the one they picked to nurture her and love her in a unique way.

My Ip's had a room right across from me after delivery and I just let them be so they could bond.  But they let me know often the love they had for me.  Texting me telling me how different it was not being in the same room, texting me the next day asking if they could come over to my room and just hang out and spend time together.  And I got to hold her, I didn't even have to ask.

I will admit I was a little blindsided by the emotions that have seem to rear their ugly head.  Today I am weepy and sad.
Sad my journey is almost over....
Sad I won't get to see her often....
All those now what feelings......

Stuff I didn't think I'd feel......

Don't get me wrong I don't want the baby and I am so happy for them.  I accomplished the task God put before me.  I feel like a Good and Faithful servent.  But these dam hormones are making it hard not to feel loss.

I feel so full and yet so empty.  I don't even know if that makes sense.

Looking at these pictures I know what an amazing journey God put me on.  The lessons I learned while on bedrest.  He had a purpose for me in this one.  And I was stubborn and shook my head no a lot, stomped my feet and fought him.  Until he made me listen.

Often I found myself complaining about being so sick, about being on bedrest.  And now I miss it already.
It's been such an up and down incredible journey I cannot even begin to put into words that come close to what it felt like.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

It's been awhile....

I haven't been good at all about keeping this blog updated.  I guess I thought I would have more time to talk about my journey than I really have.

I am 34 weeks 2 days pregnant and things are moving along.  Fast now at that.....

I am so excited for the full circle of this to happen.  To be able to witness the gift of life that took place in my body handed over to a well deserving couple.

My ip's are super sweet I have loved getting to know them both and now wish I knew them a little better.  But honestly this process has been nothing short of simply AMAZING!!!!

This little girl has been a blessing to carry for the past 34 weeks and I can't believe how fast the process took off.  March 8th of 2012 is when I was handed the profile of the couple and then April 12th is when we flew out to Texas for the appts.  The transfer was June 21st.  So really it hasn't even been a year since I was matched and I will be giving birth in a few short weeks.

It hasn't been easy I've been super sick and drained.... But really the blessing has far outweighed the hard ships.

I was just put on bed rest this past Sunday and it is a challenge I will need to learn how to be patient with.  Only because I am so used to go go go with 5 kids and now it's sit sit sit.....  But really I find the blessing in this, that God is trying to teach me to let other's help.  Something I have never been able to do.  And also to just sit and be.  To be patient, to be attentive and not on the go, to be still and rely on him more.
I know bed rest is best for the baby and I know I will get through it no matter how long it takes.

The hardest part is not feeling like I am letting my ip's down, and knowing in my heart I've done nothing to cause this bed rest, it's just part of the process.  My body is tired, and carrying a baby is hard work.  But I want to do everything in my power to get this very healthy girl here in her parent's arms and on a plane home, where they can begin life.  I just hope we don't have any more scares because I feel horrible I scared them once.  And I guess I didn't scare them in reality.  But the possibility of delivering so soon.

We are in the home stretch now so for that I am thankful and I know the amazing end of this will happen soon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A sneak peak at I & L's baby girl

I did a 3D ultrasound at 25 weeks 1 day so they could get a glimpse at their sweet girl.  It's so nice because the place I went to offered for them to watch it all live too.

It was so incredible to watch her and know they got to see her too!  She is cute a cutie and was so shy with her hands and feet by her face almost the entire time.
She is breech now so I'm praying she will flip for us.
I am so blessed through this journey. Most people think it's just the parent's.  But they couldn't be more wrong.

Growing a baby belly for I & L

Here is a snap shot of the baby bump.......
11 weeks 5 days

                           13 weeks                                                                                             15 weeks 6 days

                                         19 weeks 1day                                                                21 weeks 3days

                                                25 weeks
                         22 weeks 5days                                                         

How many babies.......

I had two eggs transfered into my uterus so the next part of the journey was...  Ok so is it 1 or 2?  Well at 6 weeks 6 days we got an answer.....

Just ONE, healthy heartbeating away......
I prayed to God for months before this to please let at least one baby stick!
He aswered that prayer.

It was a tough journey though in the beginning.  I bled often and sometimes a lot from 6-7 weeks until almost 12 weeks.  Thankfully I learned it's very common in IVF.

Here are a few pictures of the growing peanut.

8 Weeks

12 Weeks

16 weeks 1 day, and we learned it's a little

And we wait......... And then....

So the hardest part of surrogacy for me began... The waiting.....and waiting.... Did it work? 

I started testing way too early I think.  I fried my nerves more by testing at 5 days past the transfer.  But on day 6 I saw a faint line, day 7 one that made me go ok... This is real and a day later a good one worded test "PREGNANT"
I think I cried.......

Then the best part of the journey.... Texting my Ip's telling them to call me...  And the call came.  I said something along the lines of  "I have something to tell you.... Your going to be parent's".  And the tears on the other end of the phone...Well they made me cry.  And then more so than ever did my life change in this journey.  It solitified that this journey was right where I was suppose to be.  God planned this for me.. For I & L